Listen for something new

What you listen for when you interact with your spouse, child, coworker, boss, friend… depends on what you think about them. The conclusions and stories you have about others (and yourself) determine what you look for and listen for in your interactions with them. You will look for and listen for things that verify your story about someone. If, for example, you have concluded that your partner is lazy, then you will SEE lazy, you will HEAR lazy, and you will be listening for evidence that supports your conclusion that “my partner is lazy.” And believe me – you’ll hear it and see it!

Take  a moment to think about a person that you work with. What do you really think about this person? What conclusions have you come to about this person? (Come on – be honest!) Whatever those conclusions and beliefs are, when you are with this person, you are listening FROM this interpretation. (This is one of the reasons that many people do not feel heard in a relationship.)

If you would like to dramatically improve your “relationship fitness” with another person, one of the best places to start is to imagine yourself setting aside your story about them and seeing this person with some “fresh eyes.” When you do that, you can begin to listen for something new, and you open up the space for a new possibility to emerge in the relationship!

Here are some things that you can begin to listen for that will challenge your conclusions about others, which will help you dramatically improve the health of the relationship:

• Listen for the concerns this person is working to take care of.
• Listen for the commitments they are working to fulfill.
• Listen for ways that they are making a contribution.
• Listen for how their magnificence is showing through in the situation or experience.
• Listen for what you appreciate and value about this person.
• Listen for their feelings and unmet needs.

Listening for these things may seem a little “weird” or undesirable, especially if you are convinced that you already know the “truth” about the person you are relating with. That’s why it’s important to first consider what you believe and have concluded about this person, and then set it aside for the moment so that you can listen for something new.

I hope you have found this useful, and thank you for stopping by today!

Focus on what you want and what is most important

Have you noticed how people are often focused on what they DON’T want in their relationships?

“I don’t want to worry about my children so much…”
“I don’t want my boss to be so controlling…”
“I don’t want to feel so lousy about myself any more…”
“I don’t want to keep how I really feel locked up inside of me…”

When we focus our attention and energy on what we don’t want in our relationships, it’s easy to begin to believe that our relationships are broken and need “fixed” – or that we ourselves are broken and need “fixed.” We can easily fall into feeling like a helpless victim within our relationships and our life overall. And that is certainly not the way to creating Relationship Fitness.

A better focus of attention comes from asking ourselves: “What kind of experiences do I want to create in my relationship with my spouse, children, co-workers, friends…and self? What is most important to me in these relationships?”

These may seem like strange questions that don’t have a place in your busy life or given the circumstances in which you find yourself. But they are important questions to “live in” and to spend some time answering. Once you know what is most important to you, and what you truly want to create in your relationships, you can then begin to take the necessary actions to create those experiences!

When you find yourself focusing on something you don’t want in the relationship (discovered by listening to your complaints or what you are blaming others for) take a moment to ask this question:

“If I don’t want it be this way, then how do I really want it to be? What do I want to be different? And who do I need to BE and what do I need to DO in order to create that?”

As a person of choice, you are a creator! And one of the things that is most exciting about this truth is that you can create who you ARE within the relationship! YOU can choose how YOU show up in the relationship. Very empowering! So, as you focus on what you really want in the relationship, consider who you will need to BE in order to bring about that result.

Think of an important relationship in your life. What is something that you do NOT like about that relationship? Now, consider: how would you like it to be?… Great! And who will YOU need to BE for that type of outcome – for that type of relationship – to happen? THAT is what YOU have choice about, and that is what YOU can contribute to the relationship!

Your relationships have the possibility of being healthy and dynamic when YOU are healthy and dynamic. And that begins with AWARENESS and CHOICE: awareness of what you want and what is most important in the relationship, awareness of what you can contribute, and the choice and actions taken to create it.

Thanks for stopping by!

-Denver

Look for the BEST in yourself and others

Here’s one of the quickest and most powerful ways to dramatically improve the quality and health of any relationship:

Look for the best in yourself, others, and the relationship and share what you learn by expressing sincere appreciation.

The power of appreciation is one of the most underutilized powers in relationships. Appreciation is good for the soul and is one of the most effective ways to dramatically enhance your Relationship Fitness.

Appreciation is the act of recognizing the BEST in the people or world around you. It is to perceive things that give life, health, vitality, and excellence to you and others (Cooperider and Whitney, 2000). It is an active feeling of thankfulness, which has an energetic quality that uplifts one’s energy and spirit. When you appreciate, you bring attention to something you value in another person or yourself. And by bringing attention to it, you magnify it, giving it greater life and expression!

What are some things you value about yourself, your partner, your children, your boss, your coworkers, and your God? How often do you express appreciation for the things you notice? What are some fun and creative ways that you could begin to express appreciation in your relationships?And what stops you from expressing appreciation on a regular basis?

REFLECTION: What would be possible in your personal and work relationships if you began to look for the best in yourself and others and began to share what you discovered by expressing sincere appreciation?

Here are some simple things you can do to begin to use the power of appreciation:

1. Let your fellow coworkers know how their work matters and how they are making a contribution.
2. Let your partner and family members know how much they matter to you and how they bring joy and meaning to your life.
3. Look for and celebrate the accomplishments of others, both small and large ones.
4. Take a stand for being your best. Value who you are and be a contribution. Others will greatly appreciate you for doing so!

CHALLENGE: Practice the power of appreciation for one full week and then notice the differnce it makes to your personal health and your Relationship Fitness.

“Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.” – Margaret Cousins

Singles: Are you ready for a committed relationship?

If you’re single and seeking a life partner, I have some great news! Now you can easily assess your “relationship readiness” and find out if you are ready for a committed relationship.

My new “Relationship Readiness Assessment” is a 2-page, 14-item document covering a variety of areas that are critical for healthy relationships. Don’t just jump into a relationship, get yourself “Relationship Fit” first by requesting this powerful resource – it’s free!

To complete the assessment, simply read each of the 14 statements and rate yourself on a scale from 0 to 10. Then, add up your score and see what it means for you personally! Here are a few of the items on the assessment:

I am stable and grounded in my life, knowing how to take care of my basic survival needs.

I am confident in my ability to communicate effectively with others.

I have a clear vision for my life and relationships.

I have a list of non-negotiables that I use to screen potential life partners.

I am fulfilled in my career or vocation.

I engage in mindful dating practices.

The assessment will help you discover specific areas that you may want to work on to improve your “Relationship Fitness” prior to getting into a committed relationship. To receive your free copy of this valuable and insightful resource, simply send me an e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com with the words “Relationship Readiness Assessment” in the subject line.

This will make a difference!

-Denver

Are conflicts essential for healthy relationships?

Conflicts are essential to the health of a relationship. For example, in a marriage it has been said that if you aren’t having healthy conflicts with your marital partner, then your marriage is either dead or dying. That’s a rather powerful statement.

If you’re like me, you may have a personality that is conflict adverse. In the past, I found myself doing many things to avoid conflicts with others, even suppressing my own potential (not recommended), keeping my feelings to myself, and avoiding conversations that really needed to happen (can you relate?)

To stand boldly in a relationship as the highest vision of yourself that you can imagine not only takes courage but is bound to create conflicts within the relationship.  And this is one of the biggest reasons to learn how to be in conflict in a healthy way: so you can courageously live the best of who you are, and so that your partner can live the best of who they are.

So, what is your relationship to conflict? Do you welcome it? Invite it? Or do you resist it? Avoid it at all costs? And how is your relationship to conflict affecting the quality of your relationships and life?

Here are some major reasons why learning to resolve conflicts in a healthy way is important:

• Living your potential will cause conflicts
• Freeing yourself of the past will cause conflicts
• Caring deeply for others will cause conflicts
• Living a commitment to personal growth will cause conflicts
• Creating a healthy marriage will cause conflicts
• Developing real,  authentic love will cause conflicts
• Fulfilling your career aspirations will cause conflicts
• Challenging others to be their best will cause conflicts

When you learn how to stand in a conflict in a caring and confident way – then you no longer have to fear them. You can welcome them. Even invite them into your relationships. You can live with greater freedom, power, self-expression, and peace as a result! Therefore, I’ll have a lot more to say about conflicts in future posts. For now, though, let’s look at a simple thing you can do – and practice – beginning today to help you resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

Conflicts and Ego States

When you find yourself in a conflict, take a moment to become mindful of the “ego state” in which you find yourself: parent, child, or adult. Are you in the parent state treating the other as a child? Are you feeling like a child because the other is in the parent state? Or are you standing in the relationship as an adult treating the other as an adult? Whatever ego state you are in will trigger the ego state of the other. If you show up in the parent ego state, you will in most cases trigger the child ego state in the other. If you show up as a child, you will trigger the parent ego state in the other.

Resolving conflicts from the parent or child ego state is extremely challenging. So, a powerful thing you can do is to step into the adult ego state, acting like an adult and treating the other as an adult. This shift in who you are being in the conflict can turn an unhealthy conflict into a healthy one in which both of you can learn and grow!

If you would like to learn and be coached around resolving conflicts in a healthy way, please feel free to contact me to explore working together in a coaching relationship. This one skill can radically change your life and provide you with the confidence you need to live boldly while creating Relationship Fitness. My number is (812) 299-0214 or you can reach me by e-mail at denver@relationshipfitnessonline.com.

Enhancing Intimacy and Connection with Eye Contact

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A Practice is an activity that you do repeatedly to awaken and deepen some part of yourself. It’s also a great way to embody a skill or competency.

Interested in a simple, yet very powerful way to improve your intimacy and connection in all of your relationships?

Great! Let’s explore the practice of making good eye contact*. Now, maybe you already feel you do a good job in this area. Are you willing to find out? Are you willing to try something simple to see how it improves your relationship with yourself and others? It takes courage to take this practice on, but I KNOW you have the courage to do it!

This practice – like most – requires a willingness to EXPERIMENT and be playful. It’s about trying something new, intentionally, and seeing what happens. How fun! So, I invite you to try out the practice over the course of a week and just see what happens.

Let’s get started with a self-observation exercise to learn how you currently relate to others with eye contact.

Self-Observation / Observing Others Exercise

For the next two days, when you are having an in-person conversation, just notice if you tend to look them in the eyes or if you tend to avoid eye contact. If you avoid eye contact, where do your eyes go instead? If you do make eye contact, is it only for a short period of time and then you look away?

How do you feel when you are looking them in the eye? How is this different from when you look away while speaking with them? Do you tend to look some people in the eyes and not others? If you do, what might that be about?

Also, notice the other person. Do they look you in your eyes when they are speaking with you? Or do they look away? What might this mean about them? About you? What might this mean about your relationship with them?

What have you concluded from these observations? About yourself? About others? About the importance of eye contact?

The Practice

Now that you are familiar with your current way of relating to others with your eyes, let’s have you intentionally practice making eye contact with another when you are speaking with them.

Anytime that you are having an in-person conversation with another person, look them in the eyes while speaking with them. As you do this, notice the impact it has on your relationship with this person. How do you feel when you do this? How does it impact the other person? Does it enhance or hinder your ability to connect with this person? If it is an intimate relationship, does it actually improve your intimacy with this person?

Be patient with yourself! If you’re not use to good eye contact when speaking with someone, this may feel awkward for awhile. So, I invite you to do this practice for a good solid week with someone that you speak to on a regular basis and see what happens! It will take repetition to create powerful new results – so don’t do it only once and quit.

The objective of Relationship Fitness Online is to transform the health of your relationships. How has this practice helped your relationships to be healthier? You can share your experiences around this practice by submitting a comment below. I’d love to hear from you!

*NOTE: I recognize that making strong eye contact is not an acceptable practice in some cultures. If that is true in your culture, of course, please disregard this practice.

Now is the Time to Step Forward

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As you know, there is a lot of uncertainty in the world today. And for some, this will be reason enough to batten down the hatches and hold on tight. One of the effects of fear and anxiety is that they cause us to contract and tense up, minimizing the amount of energy we have available to reach out and contribute. We lose clarity of thought. And our capacity to act can actually shrink.

The world is certainly full of challenges today. I’m sure you are feeling the effects within yourself and your relationships. But to stay primarily focused there – on all the problems – can make you feel powerless and resigned. But as a friendly reminder…

You can choose what you focus your attention and energy on.

You can choose.

What difference would it make to you and others if you were to focus your attention and energy on making a contribution today? What would be possible if you saw yourself as BEING a contribution? How would this begin to transform the relationship you have with yourself and others? Are you willing to find out?

You know, there’s a common underlying question that we find ourselves asking often: “What’s in it for me?” That’s about getting something from the moment and the people you are with. But I think there is an even more powerful question: “What’s in it for them?… now that I have shown up?” That’s about giving to the moment and the people you are with. Yes, you can be a powerful contribution through the way you relate to the people you encounter everyday… your children, spouse, co-workers, gas station attendant, stranger on the street, your boss…

How will you be a contribution today?

This is certainly not the time for us to hold back our contributions and our gifts. This is not the time to become paralyzed with fear, doubt, and uncertainty. It’s a time to step forward and share the gift that you are to others. Action that is based in serving and contributing is a great way to absorb anxiety and fear. And even more importantly, it’s a great way to liberate your gifts and infuse your life with energy and meaning. That is Relationship Fitness in action!

Live the gift that you are, and watch your relationships transform!

- Denver